ANSWERS!!!

The extreme dizziness, nausea, and terrible constant headaches have only gotten worse and I was pretty worried. When I couldn't reach the endocrinologist, I made an appointment with my fertility doctor.

He was shocked by the labs! My thyroid levels were fine at my last test two months ago and now are dangerously high. It's caused my heart to work really hard which caused my blood pressure to go way up to 157/101. He lowered my prescriptions and I'll be seen in a month.

On a fertility related update, I started using ovulation predictor kits at the doctor's request to see if my ovaries have started working again (you might remember they were showing to be *dead*). This kit thing it awesome! In perfect time with *normal people*, the kit is showing the increasing hormone released by the ovaries! That means... They are working! I very likely did NOT lose any eggs and have plenty left like other women my age... Actually a few years YOUNGER since they've been basically frozen in time for the last three years. ;)

I've had this problem in my cycle of a very short luteal phase (the time between ovulation and the 1st day of the next cycle). Mine is 4 -7 days while normal is 12-14 days. This is a huge fertility issue because those extra days is when a fertilized egg makes its way into the uterus (HAH! That word auto corrected to iris. Heehee!) and snuggles in. Without this timeline, the embryo is just quickly expelled with the next cycle. Without much hope, I asked the doctor today if there was some magical medicine to make this time a normal length. All the specialists over the last 11yrs said no. This doc said, "yes! Of course! It's just a simple progesterone pill. It'll make your cycle a normal length." SERIOUSLY?!?!? We've been infertile for over 11 years and now I learn there is a CURE for my side of things?!? SOOOOO....our chances of having a naturally conceived baby just jumped from .001% to about 5%. Hah! Hey! That's a number I can live with!

We're still weighing our options with fertility treatments and have decided to wait a month or two before moving forward again.

How Long?

The pain has subsided after a week, but I'm left with extreme fatigue, dizziness, headaches. I feel like the life has been drained right out of me. I have no energy to even sit up. I sure hope this doesn't last long. :'(

I've had several emails asking how I'm doing so I thought I'd talk a little about that..... Especially since there is nothing else to report. ;)

We knew going in that this procedure was a total gamble. There are no certainties at all and no rhyme or reason for it working or not working. We feel extremely grateful for the chance we've had. The entire process was easy (well... Compared to adoption) and very interesting to us. We had VERY nice genetic parents who jumped through every hoop we threw at them and the mom was incredibly supportive and encouraging the entire time. She was such a great support!

Although we are still without a baby, we both feel very encouraged and blessed by some of the things we were able to learn along the way. SO many fears were eased by this process.

* Will it feel strange to carry another couple's genetic child? NO! FELT AMAZING and we instantly fell in love with these microscopic babies!
* Will my body have serious side affects from the medications causing us to have to stop? Nope! YAAAAY!
* Will the medication work on me? Yes! My body followed all the rules!
* Will my body reject the embryos as an invader? Some of you may remember that I randomly contracted HEP C (in NONE of the usual ways) while in Ethiopia and never knew I had it until a routine screening for adoption later. Although it's incurable and deadly my body rejected it so hard that it killed the illness and completely cured me. I'm so grateful for this!!! But we were worried that my body would fight the embryos. Not only did it not fight, it embraced them.
* Is it possible to become pregnant? Although I have no reason to believe that I can't become pregnant (our situation is male factor infertility), I was so VERY pleased and completely surprised that I became pregnant. Even though it was only a little more than a week, it was enough satisfaction for me to relax in knowing that this is possible. For now.... That's enough.

So.... Were doing great! Disappointed, but hopeful for the future and grateful for these awesome opportunities! I HIGHLY recommend this path to other couples! I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

Healing Power of Blankies

I'm in a terrible amount of pain with the same intensity as kidney stones and that's AFTER drugs. Trying not to vomit or faint from the pain. But it should all be well soon..... Because Elijah rubbed his blankie on it. ;)

Hibernation

As it turns out, the four positive home pregnancy tests followed by a negative blood test was a miscarriage. The doc said I should start a new cycle a day or two after stopping the meds, but my body must be pretty empathetic because it's been a week and it refuses to let go of these little guys. We've been a bit worried and did some searching around. Did you know that embryos can HIBERNATE (especially when mom is stressed) and implant days to several WEEKS later?! We read stories in medical journals and were shocked enough to take another test. Still negative. Hah! Hey.... You never know, right? ;)

***update several hours later***
The all too familiar pain is now taking over my entire body. Heaven help me!

Hmmmm..... THAT'S interesting

I went back to the doc to discuss my vanished eggs. Tests showed that my ovaries were showing themselves like that of an old woman. Basically.... They just stopped maturing any more eggs. Usually, that happens with menopause or parathyroid issues, etc. but my tests showed negative on all possible causes. The doctor is stumped. He's never seen anything like this before. I asked if it could possibly be the birth control pills that I've taken for several years without breaks. Like.... If you don't use it, you lose it. He hasn't heard of anything like that, but I wasn't convinced.

I went home and a quick Google search brought me this article.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/birth-control-pills-make-eggs-look-old-but-they-do-not-affect-a-womans-fertility/2014/07/07/792a94b2-01fb-11e4-b8ff-89afd3fad6bd_story.html

Basically, it says that studies are now showing that higher doses of bcpills (which I've taken for years) are suspending egg maturation. They simply hibernate. It says the bloodwork will reveal the ovaries to be that of an old woman, but in reality they are well and perfectly healthy. The article says that if the meds are stopped, all returns to normal in a few months!!!

It makes sense that my doc has not dealt with this before. How many couples wanting a baby and seeking help are on birth control???

Anyway..... the door to more options just cracked open a bit. ;) Don't worry, I'm not going to drag y'all down more rabbit holes. I'll keep further adventures to myself and spare you the unnecessary stress. ;)

We're feeling fine, not discouraged, just a little dizzy and exhausted from coming off these hormones all at once.

The All Powerful

One of the hardest things about facing loss is from a religious standpoint. Although I would never make it through life without my faith, I've got to say, people are majorly contradictory about it.

Throughout the process (of ANY hardship), countless people say to me things like "It's completely in God's hands.", "The Lord would not have brought you this far and not let it work out.", "All things happen to fulfill God's plan.", "If you have enough faith, He will give what you ask.", "The Lord knows the desires of your heart.", "Only God controls the outcome."

AFTER the hardship...usually ending in death or great loss in some way...the same people say, "God is not to blame.",  "Do not be angry with God, he did not do this.", "God knows what he's doing, it's a lack of faith to blame him for not answering your prayers."

So.....which IS it mainstream Christians? Is He ALL powerful and ALL controlling of EVERY situation or is He not? Am I the only one who sees this massive contradiction? When I pray, I know He COULD work miracles (I've lived them!), but I know most of the time He just lets life pan out with randomness and doesn't step in or interfere. But really....if you believe He controls every aspect of our lives like a chess game, I'm SURELY going to blame Him when things go painfully wrong.

Thankfully, I do not believe I'm a chess piece.

The Unattainable Future

A few weeks ago, I asked the doctor again about that one egg that I have left. He clarified that he can only see the mature eggs (not the waiting undeveloped ones) and that I only had one that was mature, but the reason is unknown. I believe they have medication to cause many more to mature. This brings us back to our original plan of standard IVF.

So....does anyone have $15,000 burning a hole in your pocket that you are dying to gamble away? How do other housewives manage this high price?!?!

This whole process STINKS. You get soooooo close only to fail, but that level of "almost" is just enough to set a mad craving in any barren woman.

The Results are In

After four positive pregnancy tests over the weekend and lots of excitement, the bloodwork today showed an official and 100% accurate NEGATIVE.

Thanks for all the prayers and support y'all! We've appreciated it!

Tomorrow!!!

62 daily shots later, we're finally at a crossroads. Tomorrow is the big day....pregnancy test day. If it's positive, I'll continue shots daily for another 12 weeks and be continuously monitored. If negative, I stop all medications, crawl into a hole, and die. OK.... Probably not, but I'll definitely be painfully heartbroken for awhile, then pick up the pieces, and move forward though life counting my MANY great blessings along the way. Either way, I'll need lots of prayers in the days ahead.

Five Days

The blood test is still five days away, but according to the chart, if there is a baby, the hcg hormones will be detectable on a pregnancy test by tomorrow. It's taking all that is within me to wait, but I can't emotionally handle a negative result right now.

Rough Day

In such horrible pain. I called my resting teen from his bed at NOON to fetch me some Tylenol. After the standard "What do you want!" and five eye rolls and still no aid, I sent him back to bed, and had a massive cry. Matthew is on his way home from work to tend to me. Please pray for us today. It's been rough. The family doesn't do well when I'm not able to take care of them. Thankfully, Elijah is keeping me well supplied with toilet paper. When he saw me sobbing (again!), he said, "WHOA! THIS looks like a job for Mr. Toilet Paper!" and ran to bring me a full roll to wipe my tears. HAHA!

Henok came back a few minutes later to apologize and Elijah stood between us facing him, saying "You and I need to have a talk. Let's go to your room." Elijah lectured him on how the baby seeds don't like sass and told a "true story" of a bad Knight and a good Knight. HAHAHA!

Meanwhile, every time I get upset or someone starts yelling, my uterus starts cramping....the one thing the doctor said to NOT let happen.

Waiting....waiting....waiting

Today is day five past transfer. I still haven't learned all the lingo yet for this interesting world of fertility treatments. I think it's known as 3d5dpt. Haha! I feel like an old lady trying to learn the language of *youngsters*.

Bed rest for the first two days was incredibly depressing especially since I felt great and wanted to go out window shopping with my sweet mother who came to keep me company. Day three I was up and doing dishes again. Never thought I'd be HAPPY to be doing that, but I was thrilled! I practically wrestled mom away from them so I could enjoy the limited activity. Haha!

Day four and five took a sharp turn. I felt extremely tired, generally achy, with bad acid reflux, a very short temper, followed by a little spotting. I thought I was coming down with something, but friends have said this is a good sign from the embryos?! I thought it was the high pollen counts. Ha! Here is a general chart that I found as a guideline if all goes as we hope.  Use the "3 Day Transfer" chart. http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer

The boys (and mom) are taking great care of me. They hardly let me get up for any reason. Henok wouldn't let me get in the car yesterday for fear that if we hit a bump, "the embryos will bounce out". HAHA!! He is SO PRECIOUS! I rarely share his cuteness on Facebook because he'll likely die of embarrassment, but he's sure not to read my blog that God forbid might mention *girly parts*. ;)

Nine more days until the pregnancy test!

All done!

Well....it's done! Now an excruciating two week wait begins.

The doc decided it was best to use all three embryos at once to increase the chance of having one. Our current stats are 75% of having one baby, 25% chance of two, 1% chance of three.

Little Elijah is SOOOO in love. He cried on the way home from the clinic, wanting to get out of his carseat to "pet the baby seeds". Once we were home, he rubbed my tummy, cuddled, talked to them, and prayed over them. "My dear God, please help our blessings to grow into beautiful babies." Every couple of hours, he asks if they are ready to be pushed out. Haha! It's going to be a looooooong two weeks!

Transfer Date!

TRANSFER ON MONDAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAH!!! 

Back To Square One

I've just hit this crazy level where insane amount of synthetic hormones meets rough day. The kind of day where the only thing left to do is devour an entire box of chocolates, curl up under a heated blanket, and wish for your mom to snuggle you.

After 32 days of daily injections and medications (and 13 added pounds!), we're pretty much back to square one. After a misunderstanding on which lab to use for bloodwork, we are required to start over on the paperwork we've been waiting for for 8 weeks. It'll cost another $1,150 that we don't have. :'(

I'm not sleeping well as I wait for updates from my family in Ukraine....news of the adoptions, news of war with Russia, ANY news from them to know they are well, and the stress of trying desperately to raise the last 18 thousand dollars in only three or four weeks time. The recent pictures of a VERY joyful Julia with her new parents keeps us going.

But I'm weary....in body, mind, and spirit. Please continue to pray for us all.

Tomorrow

Tomorrow was supposed to be the big day, transfer day....as in transfer the embryos from a frozen tube into my body and pray for miracles. It's also a big day for the entire family as referrals are received for the adoption of my two nephews and precious niece. Three teenagers giving up the only life they've ever known for just a CHANCE at something better.

I'm thankful now that my transfer is delayed. I'm filled with nervousness and anxiety over the three kids. I can hardly move from the pain and stiffness in my back, headache, nausea, shaking uncontrollably all over as if it's freezing cold. It's just how my body reacted when we were waiting to hear if we passed court with Henok 6.5 years ago. I nearly fainted at the news that he was ours.

Please keep our families and the kids in your prayers over the next two weeks of travel and paperwork.

Milestones and Deadlines

It's been three quick weeks since starting the meds/injections needed to prepare my body. So far, all milestones have been met or exceeded! I'm so glad for this steady encouraging news! The official FET (frozen embryo transfer) is tentatively scheduled for one week from TODAY! EEEK!

There are a few things we're waiting on. Please pray for another miracle and that all the documents are in by tomorrow. The doctor can sustain me on current hormones for only a few days extra (and change the FET date) in hopes of the documents coming in, but otherwise, I'll have to abandon all efforts and start over from scratch in a couple of months. Of course, this will add a great deal more to our expenses.

Trying my best to put on my positive attitude and a bright smile, but the hormones have me a *bit* emotional (and with all that's going on with Julia and the boys). In any case, it's beyond my control, so we'll just go along for the ride as always.

Hanging On

"Some side effects may include but are not limited to: vision changes, swelling, and rapid weight gain."

Greeeeeat.....at least that explains the sudden 12 pounds in the last two weeks! Augh! I'll now officially be making pajamas my daily wear. Four more weeks until we know more. At this rate, I can expect a weight gain of 36 pounds if NOT pregnant. NOOOOOOO!!!!! 

Thank you, Satan, for adding insult to injury, but I LOVE pajamas and staying home. More time to advocate for orphans, so the joke's on you.

Four years old is such a sweet age.....

"Momma, look at my sweet belly! It has a sister in it! See her kicking? When is my sister gonna come out of YOUR tummy?"

Well, remember? The doctor has to give me two baby seeds and then we will ask God to grow them into babies. But He might say no or not now.

"And if he makes the baby seed grow, I can have sister?"

Maybe a sister or maybe a brother.

"And when they're done growin', you'll push them out and then we'll see if they have a mommy and daddy or not? If they don't have a mommy, can we keep a sister? Cuz I love her and I want her to stay real bad."

No, sweet boy. If a baby grows in MY tummy, then I'm the Mommy and the baby is all ours FOREVER and ever.

"And then the Property Brothers are gonna come and change our house to bigger and beautiful?"

Finally had the rescheduled procedure today. Different anesthesiologist today. Very compassionate, thank God.

In pain. Lots of nausea. Hope this is all worth it. Poor little Elijah hasn't been able to understand why I'm not up to par. He starts acting up from nervousness when things are not right. :'(

First Day of Meds

Ok...that first injection was FREAKISHLY scary. I thought I could do it, but i almost started crying and forced Matthew to jump in. Poor guy!!! There is just something SO unnatural about plunging a needle into your abdomen. It's small and seriously didn't hurt AT ALL, but the anticipation was KILLER! hah! Only 22 more days of this one. Then the GIANT needle (into the muscle) comes up daily for another 14+ weeks. YIKES!

Well...here goes nothin'! Stay tuned for any updates! A BIG THANKS to my awesome and fearless husband! But....you're still buying me a rug and curtains when this is all over. I deserve at least that. ;)

The Miracle of Fundraising

I've had several email questions about funding, so I thought I'd write about it today. I have MANY friends fundraising for adoptions right now and when the thermometer on the right went up so quickly, they all wanted to know my *secrets*. HAHA!

I SO wish there was a magic formula to raising funds, but our story was just a miracle. We have NEVER had money sitting around. We are a family who lives paycheck to paycheck with every penny accounted for and everything extra is donated to various causes that we feel passionate about.

Early this year, we decided to retire (for now) from foster parenting and really spend the next years focusing on our own family. When the time finally came to take a look at fertility treatments, we were all in, but the costs terrified us! We had no idea how we would afford to ever get started. We had to save up for a couple of months for just the first consultation! But once we made up our mind and started praying for this path, the funding started really coming together. Our tax refund showed up, Matthew received an awesome bonus at work the same week, our last reimbursement from foster care arrived a couple of weeks later, a ridiculously successful garage sale, and three awesome donations from compassionate and generous friends/family were a great surprise. THANK YOU Gretchen, Chelsea, David, and Karen!!!

Now that we're nearing an end to what we felt was an unattainable goal, our minds are at ease over the financial side of this process. I can not express the rest in our hearts over this. We have many other unknowns with the embryo transfer process and with our sweet Julia coming home for the summer from Ukraine, but to not stress over the financial side, has been a tremendous blessing!

WE ARE SO GRATEFUL!!!

 

The Plan!

Well, the procedure did not go as planned. I...didn't know I was not supposed to eat. Whoops! It's not like I do this every day! I was kind of glad though because the anesthesiologist was a little free spirited with my LIFE. Im supposed to take one dose of antibiotic before the procedure. The one they typically give almost killed me the last time I took it. Like...stopped my heart...almost killed me. The surgery coordinator offered another option that was one I'd taken successfully many times before. So, no problem, right? But then at the last minute the anesthesiologist told the nurse to just give me anything because "I'll be monitoring her." WHAAAAAT?!?!? He *might* be able to shock me back to life, but I'd rather NOT take the chance! Why in the world would someone take another person's life so nonchalantly into their own hands?!?! Glad to have some more time to discuss this matter with the clinic.

On a much better note....we received a tentative plan!!! If all goes well, I'll start medications to prepare my body on May 19, lots of monitoring, with the actual embryo transfer on June 16 (seems like forever away!), bedrest for several days then light activity, a pregnancy test on June 29, and then pick up Julia (and the chaperone) 2 days later. If the test is positive, there will be 12 more weeks of daily injections. YIKES!!! If it's negative, we'll turn around and start all over again. Either way, should be a CRAZY summer. ;)

God's Natural Birth Control

It NEVER FAILS. As soon as we start to consider adoption again, fertility treatments, fostering/hosting, the kids start going WILD. My teen beefs up the disrespect, selfishness, laziness, my little one throws the craziest temper tantrums and constant hyperactivity, and I lose all the wind in my sail. I doubt my mothering abilities and mostly my patience. Although I've had up to six high needs children in my care at one time, I rest in the fact that only two will stay...it's only temporary. I've got to wonder...is this God's way of providing natural birth control? Or Satan's way of scaring us into not taking steps forward in life?

Still, we're moving right along. The documents for giving and receiving the precious embryos are all signed. Let me just say...there are some powerful emotions involved with officially receiving a gift of this magnitude while grieving the loss of the life they were intended to have. *Thankfully* I've got the worries of sweet Julia in Ukraine with impending war with Russia in her backyard to distract me. :/ I don't think my blood pressure and the pain in my shoulders/neck will ever return to normal.

I've been dreading the next step in the process of embryo adoption. It's a medical procedure that's been moved up to tomorrow morning (Sunday! I know...strange, right?). It's just standard prep work, but I'm terribly nervous. I dislike going to the doctor at all, but driving two hours to a building i don't know and letting a stranger put me to sleep by injecting chemicals into my blood stream FREAKS ME OUT.

Pray for us please! That we'll have no surprise bad news, that everything is on track, and for calm nerves.

Little Ears, Big Eavesdropper

My little Elijah (4) brought me an egg from his play kitchen today and said, "This is a baby egg from Miss *sweet genetic Momma*! It came in the mail today! Can you put it in your tummy so it can grow into a sister?" haha! I've explained in very simple terms, but I never mentioned any details such as names. I'm a little scared to know what other conversations he's been listening in on while we thought he was asleep! ;)

Not Much Longer

We had a consultation today with the fertility doctor and we're good to go with our embryo adoption! He was THRILLED for us. It's so great to see a doctor actually get excited for us! Elijah broke the ice as soon as we headed to the room with "Are ya gonna put a baby in Mommy's tummy now?" HAHA! As usual, he won over the entire staff.

He went over some statistics that were MUCH better than what I originally thought. Depending on how the embryos were frozen, they have a high chance of ALL surviving the thawing process!!! After the procedure is complete, we have a 60% chance of pregnancy! It may sound like a small chance, but since I thought it was 30% or so, I'm VERY pleased. ;)

There are a few forms for the family to fill out, but after that, the doctor said the prep work takes only 18 DAYS! WHAT?! HA! I was expecting several months more before getting started.

So...for better or worse...stay tuned for news next month. ;)

Adoption comes in many forms and we've pretty well tried them all. ha! I LOVE it. I LIVE for it. I promote it HEAVILY. It seems that God is not yet finished with his plan to grow our family by adoption. My cup overflows with blessings!

Somewhere between biological children and traditional adoption, is a third choice just as beautiful as the rest. We've been given the opportunity to adopt three tiny babies in their earliest form. Many couples are left with multiple embryos after fertility treatments. If they feel they are finished growing their family, they often have to make a difficult decision of what to do with the remaining embryos. We were recently introduced to a sweet family who has trusted our family with these precious gifts.

It's an option we've been looking into for almost 6 years now. We are THRILLED to have this blessing offered to us! Of course, there are no guarantees...in fact...the odds are as small as IVF. 50-75% of frozen embryos do not survive the thawing process. If they make it, there is only a 31% chance of a sweet baby in our arms. Still, we are eager and SO honored for this chance.

Please continue to pray for us.

What are twins?

Today, little Elijah (4yrs) heard the word "twins". I cringed when he asked, "Momma?  What's twins mean?" I reluctantly told him that it's when a Mommy has two babies in her tummy instead of one. "TWO BABIES!!!  A mommy can have TWO BABIES!?!??!  That's what I want! Come here right now...let's pray!"  HAHA!  NOW I've done it! hahahhaha!

Somewhere Along the Way

Ten years ago, we realized there may be a problem with fertility. I quickly saw a specialist, ran through many tests, and faithfully charted my temperature for many months. When all came back fine, we shifted our focus toward Matthew. The doctor explained that our only option was IVF which was around $15,000 minimum. We grieved heavily and made a decision to put the same amount toward adopting a waiting child instead and agreed to go back one day to revisit our fertility options. It’s a decision I’ll never regret!

 Along came our precious son Henok, then Mestawet, then Elijah, a new home to fit everyone into. Next came our temporary blessings, Job (who blew the door wide open to special needs adoption), Junior, CiCi, a new van to fit everyone, the birth of our first grandchild, followed by his tragic death, then came Jay, Shy, Jaida, then Sophia (who we thought would stay forever), Julia (oh my heart!), fundraising like mad for 4 precious souls to meet their forever families, then Miyah, Nari, Big Boy, and the much anticipated return of sweet Julia.

Before we knew it, a decade had passed. We were EXHAUSTED and it was time to focus on fertility again. Having just turned 36, my biological clock now was ticking loud enough for most of the town to hear. Having gone through all the testing already and finding nothing wrong, I was confident that our next path was made clear. It’s GO TIME!!!

 Unfortunately, like most carefully made plans, there are unexpected circumstances. I had my first fertility appointment yesterday and I was a nervous wreck. The ultrasound started well, but ended with the news that I have only one tiny egg left. We were absolutely devastated. We went home with fake smiles as to not scare little Elijah, put on the television to distract him, and locked ourselves in our room to have a good cry. Henok was full of comforting hugs and held me tight as I sobbed in his arms.....another reminder of my great blessings.

Ten years of *everything else* has left me with one egg. We simply waited too long. But all is not lost….only my genetic link to a child. While I do cherish this and have wanted a genetic child for all my life, I am secure in God’s design for families. I have loved my adopted children more than any mother can and have received more blessings through them than any human deserves.

We have the opportunity to have a baby using donor eggs and/or donated embryos. It would be an amazing opportunity for us to FINALLY fulfill this lifelong dream of pregnancy and raising a child from infancy with no past trauma. We are putting all of our resources into this effort, but we are not even close to being able to afford the procedures. If you feel led to help us along this path, please donate using the button on the right. Your prayers are also VERY much needed. Prayers for a beautiful miracle baby and prayers for our emotional state as we enter into this unfamiliar world. Please join us as we ask God to fulfill this lifelong dream.