I've had several emails asking how I'm doing so I thought I'd talk a little about that..... Especially since there is nothing else to report. ;)

We knew going in that this procedure was a total gamble. There are no certainties at all and no rhyme or reason for it working or not working. We feel extremely grateful for the chance we've had. The entire process was easy (well... Compared to adoption) and very interesting to us. We had VERY nice genetic parents who jumped through every hoop we threw at them and the mom was incredibly supportive and encouraging the entire time. She was such a great support!

Although we are still without a baby, we both feel very encouraged and blessed by some of the things we were able to learn along the way. SO many fears were eased by this process.

* Will it feel strange to carry another couple's genetic child? NO! FELT AMAZING and we instantly fell in love with these microscopic babies!
* Will my body have serious side affects from the medications causing us to have to stop? Nope! YAAAAY!
* Will the medication work on me? Yes! My body followed all the rules!
* Will my body reject the embryos as an invader? Some of you may remember that I randomly contracted HEP C (in NONE of the usual ways) while in Ethiopia and never knew I had it until a routine screening for adoption later. Although it's incurable and deadly my body rejected it so hard that it killed the illness and completely cured me. I'm so grateful for this!!! But we were worried that my body would fight the embryos. Not only did it not fight, it embraced them.
* Is it possible to become pregnant? Although I have no reason to believe that I can't become pregnant (our situation is male factor infertility), I was so VERY pleased and completely surprised that I became pregnant. Even though it was only a little more than a week, it was enough satisfaction for me to relax in knowing that this is possible. For now.... That's enough.

So.... Were doing great! Disappointed, but hopeful for the future and grateful for these awesome opportunities! I HIGHLY recommend this path to other couples! I'd do it again in a heartbeat!

Healing Power of Blankies

I'm in a terrible amount of pain with the same intensity as kidney stones and that's AFTER drugs. Trying not to vomit or faint from the pain. But it should all be well soon..... Because Elijah rubbed his blankie on it. ;)

Hibernation

As it turns out, the four positive home pregnancy tests followed by a negative blood test was a miscarriage. The doc said I should start a new cycle a day or two after stopping the meds, but my body must be pretty empathetic because it's been a week and it refuses to let go of these little guys. We've been a bit worried and did some searching around. Did you know that embryos can HIBERNATE (especially when mom is stressed) and implant days to several WEEKS later?! We read stories in medical journals and were shocked enough to take another test. Still negative. Hah! Hey.... You never know, right? ;)

***update several hours later***
The all too familiar pain is now taking over my entire body. Heaven help me!

Hmmmm..... THAT'S interesting

I went back to the doc to discuss my vanished eggs. Tests showed that my ovaries were showing themselves like that of an old woman. Basically.... They just stopped maturing any more eggs. Usually, that happens with menopause or parathyroid issues, etc. but my tests showed negative on all possible causes. The doctor is stumped. He's never seen anything like this before. I asked if it could possibly be the birth control pills that I've taken for several years without breaks. Like.... If you don't use it, you lose it. He hasn't heard of anything like that, but I wasn't convinced.

I went home and a quick Google search brought me this article.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/national/health-science/birth-control-pills-make-eggs-look-old-but-they-do-not-affect-a-womans-fertility/2014/07/07/792a94b2-01fb-11e4-b8ff-89afd3fad6bd_story.html

Basically, it says that studies are now showing that higher doses of bcpills (which I've taken for years) are suspending egg maturation. They simply hibernate. It says the bloodwork will reveal the ovaries to be that of an old woman, but in reality they are well and perfectly healthy. The article says that if the meds are stopped, all returns to normal in a few months!!!

It makes sense that my doc has not dealt with this before. How many couples wanting a baby and seeking help are on birth control???

Anyway..... the door to more options just cracked open a bit. ;) Don't worry, I'm not going to drag y'all down more rabbit holes. I'll keep further adventures to myself and spare you the unnecessary stress. ;)

We're feeling fine, not discouraged, just a little dizzy and exhausted from coming off these hormones all at once.

The All Powerful

One of the hardest things about facing loss is from a religious standpoint. Although I would never make it through life without my faith, I've got to say, people are majorly contradictory about it.

Throughout the process (of ANY hardship), countless people say to me things like "It's completely in God's hands.", "The Lord would not have brought you this far and not let it work out.", "All things happen to fulfill God's plan.", "If you have enough faith, He will give what you ask.", "The Lord knows the desires of your heart.", "Only God controls the outcome."

AFTER the hardship...usually ending in death or great loss in some way...the same people say, "God is not to blame.",  "Do not be angry with God, he did not do this.", "God knows what he's doing, it's a lack of faith to blame him for not answering your prayers."

So.....which IS it mainstream Christians? Is He ALL powerful and ALL controlling of EVERY situation or is He not? Am I the only one who sees this massive contradiction? When I pray, I know He COULD work miracles (I've lived them!), but I know most of the time He just lets life pan out with randomness and doesn't step in or interfere. But really....if you believe He controls every aspect of our lives like a chess game, I'm SURELY going to blame Him when things go painfully wrong.

Thankfully, I do not believe I'm a chess piece.

The Unattainable Future

A few weeks ago, I asked the doctor again about that one egg that I have left. He clarified that he can only see the mature eggs (not the waiting undeveloped ones) and that I only had one that was mature, but the reason is unknown. I believe they have medication to cause many more to mature. This brings us back to our original plan of standard IVF.

So....does anyone have $15,000 burning a hole in your pocket that you are dying to gamble away? How do other housewives manage this high price?!?!

This whole process STINKS. You get soooooo close only to fail, but that level of "almost" is just enough to set a mad craving in any barren woman.

The Results are In

After four positive pregnancy tests over the weekend and lots of excitement, the bloodwork today showed an official and 100% accurate NEGATIVE.

Thanks for all the prayers and support y'all! We've appreciated it!

Tomorrow!!!

62 daily shots later, we're finally at a crossroads. Tomorrow is the big day....pregnancy test day. If it's positive, I'll continue shots daily for another 12 weeks and be continuously monitored. If negative, I stop all medications, crawl into a hole, and die. OK.... Probably not, but I'll definitely be painfully heartbroken for awhile, then pick up the pieces, and move forward though life counting my MANY great blessings along the way. Either way, I'll need lots of prayers in the days ahead.

Five Days

The blood test is still five days away, but according to the chart, if there is a baby, the hcg hormones will be detectable on a pregnancy test by tomorrow. It's taking all that is within me to wait, but I can't emotionally handle a negative result right now.

Rough Day

In such horrible pain. I called my resting teen from his bed at NOON to fetch me some Tylenol. After the standard "What do you want!" and five eye rolls and still no aid, I sent him back to bed, and had a massive cry. Matthew is on his way home from work to tend to me. Please pray for us today. It's been rough. The family doesn't do well when I'm not able to take care of them. Thankfully, Elijah is keeping me well supplied with toilet paper. When he saw me sobbing (again!), he said, "WHOA! THIS looks like a job for Mr. Toilet Paper!" and ran to bring me a full roll to wipe my tears. HAHA!

Henok came back a few minutes later to apologize and Elijah stood between us facing him, saying "You and I need to have a talk. Let's go to your room." Elijah lectured him on how the baby seeds don't like sass and told a "true story" of a bad Knight and a good Knight. HAHAHA!

Meanwhile, every time I get upset or someone starts yelling, my uterus starts cramping....the one thing the doctor said to NOT let happen.

Waiting....waiting....waiting

Today is day five past transfer. I still haven't learned all the lingo yet for this interesting world of fertility treatments. I think it's known as 3d5dpt. Haha! I feel like an old lady trying to learn the language of *youngsters*.

Bed rest for the first two days was incredibly depressing especially since I felt great and wanted to go out window shopping with my sweet mother who came to keep me company. Day three I was up and doing dishes again. Never thought I'd be HAPPY to be doing that, but I was thrilled! I practically wrestled mom away from them so I could enjoy the limited activity. Haha!

Day four and five took a sharp turn. I felt extremely tired, generally achy, with bad acid reflux, a very short temper, followed by a little spotting. I thought I was coming down with something, but friends have said this is a good sign from the embryos?! I thought it was the high pollen counts. Ha! Here is a general chart that I found as a guideline if all goes as we hope.  Use the "3 Day Transfer" chart. http://www.nyufertilitycenter.org/ivf/embryo_transfer

The boys (and mom) are taking great care of me. They hardly let me get up for any reason. Henok wouldn't let me get in the car yesterday for fear that if we hit a bump, "the embryos will bounce out". HAHA!! He is SO PRECIOUS! I rarely share his cuteness on Facebook because he'll likely die of embarrassment, but he's sure not to read my blog that God forbid might mention *girly parts*. ;)

Nine more days until the pregnancy test!

All done!

Well....it's done! Now an excruciating two week wait begins.

The doc decided it was best to use all three embryos at once to increase the chance of having one. Our current stats are 75% of having one baby, 25% chance of two, 1% chance of three.

Little Elijah is SOOOO in love. He cried on the way home from the clinic, wanting to get out of his carseat to "pet the baby seeds". Once we were home, he rubbed my tummy, cuddled, talked to them, and prayed over them. "My dear God, please help our blessings to grow into beautiful babies." Every couple of hours, he asks if they are ready to be pushed out. Haha! It's going to be a looooooong two weeks!

Transfer Date!

TRANSFER ON MONDAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAH!!!